Well, hello there my loves! It’s a new week so I decided to start it a little more up beat. Last week was a little heavy, but it’s time to push forward and take some positive steps!
So, I’m currently the heaviest I’ve ever been. I’m 13stone 3lbs/84 kgs/185lbs… and I’m only 5ft5”. I’m currently between a U.K. size 14 and 16. And I don’t like it. So I woke up and decided that things need to change. But it’s not easy for me. I’ve never been one for exercise so I had to ease myself into it. And decided that 30 day fitness challenges were the best way to create a new habit and exercise daily.
I’ve also set myself a daily step go of 5000, which I know is low. But it’s something I’m going to have to build up to gradually, and if I start setting goals that are too big, I don’t want to get disheartened when I don’t reach them. So the plan is to start small!
I also subscribed to something called Team RH. It’s a fitness programme on Facebook and it seems to be a well thought out programme. My Fitness Pal wanted to set me a calorie goal of 1200 calories a day. Far too low in my opinion, so I’ve gone for the 1700 a day Team RH recommended.
I won’t be updating weekly, but I may check in at the end of the 30 days, just to see if I made much progress!
I’m also putting the 4 challenges below, just in case anyone would like to follow along 🖤
That’s probably quite a controversial title, but you’ll have to hear me out why, for me, quarantine came at a time I needed to have some solitude and peace.
You see, all my life I’ve been a support and carer to my family. My dad was ill from when I was 2, he had a huge stroke in 2004 just before I turned 13. And my mom has always suffered with severe anxiety and depression. My wayward brother was rarely around, so I saw my family through a lot of crisis’ when I was growing up. And in doing that, I never learnt to deal with my emotions, and filed them away to store and feel later. And I never did. I’ve gone to funerals of relatives and close friends, and I didn’t shed a single tear, because I was too busy holding the hands of others.
Then last year I lost my Dad, my best friend, on Halloween. Although he had been ill for years, he was plodding along. And out of the blue, we lost him to another massive stroke. And I had to support my mom and brother through it. And ultimately, it was me who made the decision to turn off my dads life support. And with the help of my aunt, we made my mom see it was for the best. He was brain dead. And due to the damage to his brain stem, there was no way he was coming back.
And from there, I again took over the support of my mom. She lost her best friend of 49 years in one night. And he took his final breathe with just her in the room, holding his head in her hands as she spoke to him. And for months, I was her pillar of strength, just like I always had been.
It was me who found the suit and shoes she wanted him to wear. It was me who made most of the big decisions for her. Always comforting her. And never dealing with my emotions.
As months have gone on, she has got stronger. And I was slowly realising that I needed to deal with own grief. But in my head, it sounded ridiculous. How do you explain to the world around you that you’ve just started the grieving process months after the death of the most important man in your life. It sounded stupid to me. I was crying at random things, even walking to work I was finding it hard to pull myself together, when all I really wanted to do was let go.
The main issue is, I’ve never let anyone else in. I’ve always been the problem solver, and never asked for help. But the longer I left it, the more I felt that this was having the potential to harm my relationships with everyone I cherished. There was only so many nights I could wake my husband up crying without being able to explain why. And I wouldn’t want to trouble my mom, when all she needed was for me to comfort her.
And then corona virus happened.
And as a family, we’ve prayed for loved ones to pull through, lost loved ones without saying goodbye.
Yet through all this. I was beginning to feel relief. My husband still had to work through it all. And as weird and as selfish as it seems, this was truly a blessing. I had hours to myself. I could look through photos with tears streaming down my face. Letting my grief out and mourning the future memories I couldn’t create anymore, whilst cherishing and laughing at the ones I’d never forget.
I got to rest when I had a bad night and didn’t sleep. I got to cross stitch to entertain and quieten my mind to stop the 12653 tabs my brain had open from freezing and working over time. I even got to journal and collect my thoughts, so I could finally get them to make sense.
But most of all, I got to grieve. And I got to a point I could understand and articulate how I was feeling. I stopped feeling crazy.
And I finally got to take a moment to remember the man who held my ha d my whole life, and never let me down 🖤
So whilst my heart breaks for the tragedy in the world that is happening. Whilst I feel as lost as everyone else with what will happen through this.
I’m happy to be just as lost as everyone else.
And I’m happy to fill the whole in my heart with all the memories I hold so dear. And most of all? I’m happy that I’m not lost in the thick fog that was my own head anymore.
I thought I would kick things off by first explaining why I’m anonymous. Because there is a reason. And it’s something that has been putting a serious downer on my online experience for awhile. And as I suffer with BPD, it’s caused problems with that as well.
And the truth is, I was cyber stalked. For along time. By two girls obsessed with my husband. And it was so bad that it got to the point that I had to completely delete my blog and all social media, because I conducted a little experiment 18 months down the line, and low and behold. They were still watching my every move. They had found a new blog. My new social media and we’re still continuing to post about it to get my attention. So, for the sake of my mental health and to not see the lies they were telling, I decided to come away from blogging completely. I cleared out all my social media so it sat at very few people I knew. And it made me paranoid and emotional. And it almost drove my husband and I apart.
I don’t want to go into the story too much. But my husband (who was still only my boyfriend at the time) met this girl on a night out when we were going through a rough patch. And she LATCHED on to him big time. We broke up for a couple of weeks and she began messaging him. Then she turned a little bit nuts when him and I got back together. And this where the stalking began.
She would send him blog posts (which he had already read) to try and cause trouble. She tried to lie about him cheating. And basically her and her friend just tried to completely ruin our relationship.
All whilst never having actually met me.
Strange, isn’t it? How people feel so compelled to interfere in other people’s lives, and just how much people we don’t even know on the internet can affect our lives, for better or for worse.
And whilst it has been some time since all this has happened, for the moment, I still want to tell my stories and share my voice with the world. But on my own terms. And for my quality of life, for my sanity and for my relationships, for now, it has to be as simply just an avatar.
I hope as time goes on, I can feel more comfortable and give my voice and experiences more power by sharing all of it. But until that time comes, I hope you all join me in a journey.
So, I can already feel myself regretting this blog title. But it’s 10:30 on a Wednesday night, my husband is fast asleep next to me, and I’m 8 episodes in of season 3 of 2 Broke Girls on Prime, and as I have no female friends, 1 Broke girl it is!
I won’t lie, I’ve been blogging in and off for literally years. And up until tonight, I probably hadn’t blogged in about 2 years. But loneliness in quarantine, not being at work and general boredom has brought me back. Is this temporary? Maybe. But who really know. I’ve got some vague ideas of what I want to garner from this blog for the foreseeable future. But I think it’s best to just see how this pans out…